I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
