If that was your dad, he is hot
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
