New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
