apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
