I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Quick, to the slutcave!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
