I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
