puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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