I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
