she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You ate ashes out of my bong
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
