mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
