I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
