Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
did i just pee glitter
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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