She is in my trunk
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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