my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is classic penis vs brain.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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