Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
