based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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