they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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