They should really pass out barf bags in church
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
