That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
