dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
