I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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