We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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