Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
