i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
