I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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