So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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