1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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