I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
