He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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