he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
