I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
