what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
