Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
