i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just want to make out with him forever
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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