So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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