I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
