Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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