Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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