Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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