You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
