He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
