I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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