Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
