he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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