i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
