we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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