Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
