Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
