Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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