Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
