I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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